Remember How I Said 'It's not you, it's me?' Well...

I guess it says something about me that I get motivated to do something in an MMO when somebody else needs an assist. If it were purely a thing for me, such as working on Cardwyn toward L68 by not leaving Azeroth, I'd not be very diligent about it.* Likewise, just doing a daily here and there on Brig for a couple of gold has pretty much evaporated about a week after I settle into it, because... Well...

Pick One:

• It doesn't hold my interest.
• There's no relevant goal to strive for.
• I did it already back in the day in Retail, so why do it again?
  
• There's no directive from leadership saying I have to do something specific. (In which case I'll bitch and moan but still eventually do it.)
  

The most famous example I could give was that I was the only Mage on the AQ40 and Naxxramas raids that didn't have the Briarwood Reed trinket --although it was eventually superceded by Neltharion's Tear when the damn thing finally began to drop in Blackwing Lair-- and after a near brush with obtaining it once** I just kind of shrugged and said "if it drops, it drops". 

I was in a group run for something or another --maybe it was an UBRS run, maybe it was a BWL or Naxx run-- but the subject of the Briarwood Reed came up. Over the course of the conversation, I admitted I never got it. 

"Card," one of the other Mages replied incredulously, "You never got it?"

"Nope."

"Why not?"

"I just never spent any time hunting for it."

"Well, we need to fix that, and we'll get some runs together so you can get your Reed."

Since I really didn't care about whether I got the Reed or not I never personally followed up on that suggestion. And to be fair I think the other Mages forgot as well, so I conveniently let the matter drop.

But that's pretty much how it's gone for me; I might have some interest in doing some self improvement, but unless there's an external motivation involved, I'm not really concerned about this sort of thing long term.

Contrast this with my questing buddy, who I swear must spend a lot of her waking hours plotting out what her gear needs are going to be a Phase or two in advance. For example, when she found out that our Mage lead was going to respec to Fire she was positively giddy, because that meant she could go back to respeccing her Warlock to Fire Destro as well. 

***

I can stick with a goal if I bring an external motivation to bear on something, whether or not it was the smartest thing in the world to do. And once I get started on something with that external motivation, well, I kind of develop tunnel vision.

For example, my current interest in leveling Blacksmithing on Linna is solely driven by needing some gear so that I can bring her to what I'm informally calling Pallyzhan, which is a follow up to Bearazhan from two weeks ago,*** we're going to get an all-Paladin Karazhan run together. I told one of the Mages from the Classic team that if she brought her Pally, I'd bring mine.**** Using Blacksmithing to gear up kind of sucks as far as getting to max skill level is concerned, but at least I can get some okay-ish blue gear made so I won't suck too bad in instances.

But when I got together on the weekend with my questing buddy, she knew I had to get Linna geared up if I was going to make Pallyzhan. 

"So," she began [paraphrasing], "what do you need to get geared? We can run instances and get [one of our Monday raid tanks] to tank for us."

My "oh shit" fight or flight response kicked on in my body. I did not want to be the focus of attention, particularly when I saw people chain run instances for hours to get gear drops, and I was not about to drag anybody along just because I needed help gearing. I had a plan --okay, a very very poor plan-- but it was something I didn't have to ask people to drop what they were doing and help me when they'd rather do something else.

"Uh," I finally responded, "how about we just quest for one of your toons? There's enough overlap there that I'm sure it'll help me out."

I could almost hear her exasperation in the "Okay, fine" response she typed out.

We then went out questing --with me assisting her-- but throughout the evening I was restless. I felt like I'd let her down, and that my cancellation of Zul'Aman earlier that evening didn't exactly help matters any. But a big part of me wanted to tell the truth to her. That it was not about her or my refusal to accept help because I was "manning up" or something macho like that, or that I had to cancel Zul'Aman that night and I was upset with letting people down. Or even that it was even some misplaced pride on my part that I just had to do everything myself. 

It was that I feel like a fraud when the spotlight is on me, and that I hate hate hate it when I am the center of attention for any reason at all.***** If this was to help Linna get geared up, the spotlight would totally be on me, and my lack of gear and polish in playing a Ret Pally for the first time since roughly 2011 would be a total embarrassment to me and my friends.

***

I almost never talk about my job for good reason, but in an informal chat with my boss yesterday she heard my response to a question she posed and cut me off, saying that I have Imposter Syndrome.

"Oh," I replied. 

And then I looked up what she meant.

"Oh. Well... shit."

There is no formal diagnosis for Imposter Syndrome, because it's not officially recognized as a mental disorder, but it is loosely defined as "an individual doubts their skills, talents, or accomplishments and has a persistent internalized fear of being exposed as a fraud. Despite external evidence of their competence, those experiencing this phenomenon do not believe they deserve their success or luck."#

Boy, did that sound familiar.

Do I think I have it? Well, let's just say when I first read it I thought so, but my mental gears instead switched to "that's a cop out for my real issues, which are not being very good at what I do."

And then I thought Waitaminute.

Yeah, like that.
From giphy.com.

I suppose it's nice to know that it's common enough a phenomenon that my boss --of all people-- pointed it out to me, but that doesn't make things easier for me. I began reading the "how to deal with it" on websites today and I had to keep telling myself to stop trying to talk myself out of even just reading about it.

If there was a truer way of understanding what is going on in my head, it's that.

***

So, what to do?

I owe my questing buddy a big apology for copping out on her like that on Saturday night, because I do need help. But I don't know how to ask for it --and, more importantly, accept it-- without wanting to crawl away and hide.

The more I've read on this, the more I realize just how screwed up this has impacted my life. Things that I've suspected suddenly came into crystal focus, and I can't believe I missed out on admitting it for so long. But if you'll notice, I kind of beat around the bush, even after editing this post a couple of times, because I still can't just come right out and just say it. 

And some things I likely will never mention to some people in my private life, because I've already gotten the impression that they don't really care or really understand.##

But... To borrow a line oft repeated in What About Bob?: 

Baby steps.

*For the record, Card is sitting at L65, about 1/5 of the way to L66, and grinding away at the Wintersaber Trainers reputation. She might make it to Exalted before she hits L66, but I'm not sure. I only get on her about 2-3 times a week, if that, so there's no guarantee for her to make it to L68 before Wrath drops if Wrath Classic drops before September.

**That was a very infamous UBRS run, when I wasn't paying attention to the drops while drinking and rebuffing and yes, the Reed actually dropped. This was back when I didn't look at BiS lists or anything of that sort, so I kind of eyeballed it and decided that it wasn't that much better than what I was carrying at the time, so I passed. The player who put the UBRS together went absolutely bananas and was constantly hounding me, whispering me "How could you pass on a BiS piece like that?" 

I was totally honest about it and that I told him I wasn't paying that close attention and just passed on it. 

"How could you not know what your BiS items are?"

When you don't play to acquire BiS items, I thought, but I didn't say in reply. I just repeated what I said and said that I wasn't paying attention, which was also true.

But nooo... The person wouldn't let it go, and pretty much told me I was a terrible player for not even doing the basics, and it was likely never going to drop for me again. 

Whatever. At least he got that last part right.

***Bearazhan was glorious. We got nine Druids together for the run with the sole "honorary Druid" being our Rogue, Lostinsleep. We nicknamed the group "Goldie Lost and the Nine Bears", and it certainly took some effort for the team to complete Karazhan, but with nine battle rezzes available it's amazing how unorthodox strategies work out. For the record: I watched a Twitch livestream of the raid, and listened in on Discord. I loved every minute of it.

 

****Oh crap, did that little statement blow up. On last week's Karazhan, I was checking with another player who was leveling a Paladin as to when she thought she'd be ready for Kara, and I mentioned that I knew we'd get at least 5 Paladins as "I'd talked to Exile and told him that if Raike [his wife] brings her Pally I'll bring mine."

There was dead silence for 5 seconds.

"Cardwyn? When did YOU level a Paladin?"

"Oh, uh, well... Since I wasn't doing much of anything..."

"What's their name?"

"Um... I have one on each faction, but the Horde one is pretty much a glorified bank alt right now, as he spends his time chatting up the Innkeeper in Falcon Watch."

"Okay, fine, don't tell us their name."

I figured if I did, I'd never have any peace as people would just add Linna to their Friends' list, and I'd rather there be a reveal later.

While this whole exchange went on, my questing buddy was enjoying every moment of it. I apparently stunned everybody by having this toon that nobody knew about, just flying under the radar. But once Pallyzhan happens, my cover will be blown and I won't be able to get onto Linna late on Monday raid nights on those days I can't sleep.

*****For raids, being a raid leader doesn't bother me, because I'm not a tank and therefore not in the spotlight.

#From Wikipedia, which did a better job of summarizing it than several other websites. Some of the websites overemphasized the "achievements" portion of the syndrome, which made me feel distictly uncomfortable.

##Which doesn't exactly help much, but there it is.