It's Not About Green Eggs and Ham

If there's one consistent piece of advice I've given to my kids as they've entered into the dating/relationship stage of their life, it's this simple dictum: don't try to change people as you'll end up disappointed.

Over my life I've seen people get into a relationship, and one of the pair says "they're perfect except for [INSERT ISSUE HERE], but I can work on that." And I've never ever seen someone get "fixed" the way their partner prefers. Even when it appears on the surface that they've been "trained" by their partner into the approved behavior, the reality is that it's an act. The other person just does it to preserve the peace, and it only comes out much later, in a quiet conversation with someone else under the condition to keep their confidence.

Inevitably, this doesn't end well. The couple either continue in a state of quiet dissatisfaction or there's an eventual blow-up and... that's that.

Not bad, but #3 on "Worth Fixing" is highly
dependent upon what the issue is. And #1 on "Deal
Breaker" can easily be manipulated into really silly stuff.
From @drelizabethfrederick via Instagram.

What I've impressed upon my kids is that you have to either accept the other person for who they are or you have to eventually walk away. Obviously, some flaws are quite fatal to the relationship --justifiably so, in my opinion-- while others are minor and can be easily overlooked. Everybody has their own breaking point, and while it might be worthwhile to try to help someone get over their issues, don't expect to "fix" anyone who doesn't want to be fixed.

***

A corollary to this is something that still bugs me to this day. Back in my college days, there was this one girl I knew who dated a guy briefly, then after they broke up she schemed to try to get him back. On more than one occasion I got roped into her schemes, and after a while it really began to annoy me. Right before my (now) wife and I began dating, this girl and I were walking back to a group study session after we stopped to pick up some food for the gang, and once again she was contemplating some sort of plot when I finally decided to tell her that she needed to move on. I explained that she was really attractive and she was also quite smart, but chasing after one person while ignoring everybody else meant she was missing out on someone that would be better for her in the long run.* Unfortunately, she then began asking me about what I thought of her physical attributes and whether some of the various people we knew would be interested in her. I wasn't about to provide details on what our male friends thought of her, and I didn't want to find myself the object of her interest given that she spent too much time trying to play hard to get while simultaneously chasing someone. 

Looking back on it, I wish I had the clarity to explain to her that she would have been much better off not playing games but rather just being honest and walking away if someone says 'no'. I don't know a single guy who enjoys these sort of games, and to be fair I wasn't even sure she did either. I suspect she was taught this behavior by either her friends from high school or her family, and if they did they did her a disservice. Of course, knowing my luck she might have interpreted my candid response as interest in her on my part, and I'd have gotten no peace. Still, some part of me kind of wishes I'd have said what needed to be said before we had a falling out later that year. 

She blamed it on my now wife, but from my perspective I simply had to walk away because I grew tired of being part of her manipulative games. Even if she came clean and tried to turn over a new leaf, she'd spent so much time being manipulative and playing "love games" that I don't think I could ever have really trusted her. There was no way I wasn't going to have anything resembling a heart to heart conversation with her about my girlfriend, for example, because I felt she would have used it as leverage to make me do something for her. 

No thanks.

***

In the end, I guess you could say that while the old "try it, you might like it" credo at the heart of Green Eggs and Ham is still valid, recognizing the futility of certain other interactions is also valid. Sure, there will be regrets, but I've come to recognize that regrets are a part of life. 

*For the record, I did think she was really attractive and had the sort of physical qualities I liked, but she spent so much time being needy and chasing after this one person that there was no way I'd ever consider dating her. I didn't need that sort of drama in my life.